there is always a bit of heaven in a disaster area

i'm leaving for lsu tomorrow, and it's bittersweet

i recently saw on facebook my old group of high school friends, and they're still tight knit, spend every waking moment with each other after a year. i still talk to one of them, but i feel awkward, like these said friends never really liked me during high school. we were all close during middle school, until i became my blunt self and made my snarky comments.

i'm afraid it will be that same with my friends at lsu. i go through periods of avoiding people, and the closer i get to people, the more i search their faults, the more belligerent i become. i eventually scare them off and push them away.

it's the same with relationships, probably the reason behind most of my failed relationships. i am very open and trusting of people at first, then slowly i lose my trust and close myself.

i hate myself right now, and i want to cry.